4 years ago, this week I embarked on my solo career adventure having had a previous 17 years immersed in one organisation.
I learnt, taught, discovered, consulted, developed and consumed everything there was on building and maintaining a high-performance mindset.
How is it then that in the last 4 years I’ve experienced more self-doubt than in the previous 17 years combined?
I find it hard at times and occasionally a little incongruent - especially for someone that stands for mastery, best possible self and inspiring exceptional performance in the business of life 😊
I’m slowly and a little reluctantly accepting that it’s part of who I am.
I like the part that drives me to do better but not the part that applies the hand brake on me. However, as Brene Brown has suggested – you can’t selectively numb emotion. So, if I’m committed to being my best possible self and fully experience the happiness, joy and abundance that’s possible then I also must embrace the uncertainty, the self-doubt, the comparison monster and its cousin the imposter monster.
As Pogo said - I’ve met the enemy and he is us! Or is it me?
How many of you can relate to that? Loving the part of you that is driven to succeed but also allowing the dark side to creep in and we become our own worst enemies!
Now I accept that the worst enemy part does - in some part - drive me but I also wonder how well I balance it with being my own best mate. When I think of the some of the qualities that my best mates bring to our relationship – connection, cut-through, humour, candour, trust, loyalty, they ‘see me’ – then could I reverse the question and ask if I demonstrate those qualities to myself at all?
Not when self-doubt is king.
Because of my facilitation role I’m sometimes at the front of the room. The chairs would therefore point in my direction because I’m entrusted with nudging the group forward.
If you knew how much self-doubt I carry I wonder if you’d turn your chairs round and face another way or whether you’d ask me to turn my chair round because I wasn’t worthy of sitting amongst you let alone in front of you.
I’m an introvert by some definitions of personality type but have an extrovert role. I’m comfy being on my own – I’m uncomfortable networking and pushing myself on people. Writing these articles and posting them on a public forum, posting my inner most thoughts is terrifying and I feel naked and exposed…it’s like putting gallons of rocket fuel on the self-doubt bonfire.
I’ve concluded I’m a TWIRP – Total-Work-In-Regress & Progress
I’m simultaneously progressing and regressing at the same time -2 steps forward 2.1 back, 2 steps forward 1.9 back and so on.
Anyone admit to being a TWIRP?
Some of the tips that have helped me.
Occasionally, I find a quote that whispers to me during the week when I’m considering what to post.
This week I was reminded of a quote attributed to many different sources.
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."
It brought a smile to my face too.
I’m embracing self-doubt and looking for opportunities to practice self-forgiveness by stepping forwards and back then forwards then back then forwards again to a better future.
Come join me as part of the TWIRP Club.
Bounce forward with a free toolkit here.